


The Inquisition Versus Paint-ball

by sqbr



Category: Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Crack, Ensemble Cast, F/M, Gen, Humor, Just very silly, Leliana and Josephine's friendship is probably the most significant relationship, M/M, Minor Blackwall/Josephine Montilyet, Minor The Iron Bull/Dorian Pavus, Not an AU if you can believe it, but I'm not sure it's central enough to tag, since there's a lot of other stuff going on
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-12
Updated: 2020-04-12
Packaged: 2021-03-01 17:42:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,460
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23610997
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sqbr/pseuds/sqbr
Summary: While on a trip to Antiva, the Inquisitor discovers a strange local game called 'paint-ball', and suggests a competition to improve morale.It does not have entirely the intended effect.
Comments: 2
Kudos: 6





	The Inquisition Versus Paint-ball

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by [this post asking people what the characters from their favourite fandom would do if playing paint-ball](https://fictional-fans.dreamwidth.org/51435.html).
> 
> I have never played paintball myself, but this is _Antivan_ paint-ball, so. 
> 
> Thanks to Cam for giving me some of the funnier ideas when we discussed it.

For a while everyone just stared at the letter in silence. It had been addressed to all the key employees of the Inquisition, and arrived attached to a large box filled with strange devices. They looked a bit like small crossbows, but instead of arrows were loaded with round colourful balls. 

_Dear Inquisition,_ the Inquisitor had written. _My trip to Antiva is going well. I found these 'paint-ball' devices for sale in the local market. Apparently the merchants there use them to encourage teamwork through friendly competition. Everyone tries to shoot paint at everyone else without getting shot. It sounds like great fun! If you're getting bored without me there to cause trouble, why not have a competition?"_

"This is a terrible idea," said Solas. "And will only encourage disharmony."

"I don't want to shoot my friends!" said Cole.

"You wouldn't be hurting anyone," said Varric, who was examining the bows with curiosity. "It's a game, it'll be fun." But Cole didn't seem convinced.

"We should trust the Inquisitor's judgement," said Josephine. "I am no fan of violence, but this seems harmless."

"Very well," said Cullen, "How should we organise the teams?"

"Who said anything about teams?" said Sera. "Where's the fun if I can't shoot anyone I like?"

"What about mages versus the rest of us?" said Bull, grinning significantly at Dorian.

"How is that fair?" sputtered Dorian. "We're vastly outnumbered!"

"Yeah, but you have magic!"

"Have you ever _heard_ of a spell for shooting _paint_? Unlike brutes like you, we mages are-"

"Why don't we play men against women?" said Josephine, before Dorian and Bull could come to blows. "If Cole and Solas aren't playing then the numbers would even."

"Ha," said Varric. "You're just counting on the men being too chivalrous to be comfortable shooting a woman, even for fun."

"You don't think you can beat a woman at archery?" said Leliana.

"Oh, _I'd_ be fine," said Varric. "But Cullen and Blackwall would be useless." 

Blackwall coughed but didn't deny it.

"I...I have fought women in the past," said Cullen, stiffly. "I might feel a little strange about it, but I respect you all enough as equals to-"

"Ugh, Varric's right," said Cassandra. "I don't want to win like _that_."

"Perhaps forming teams could be considered part of the game," said Leliana. "Alliances can change and shift as people are eliminated."

"Ugh," said Cassandra again. "Of course you would suggest that. Isn't the point to _prevent_ in-fighting?"

* * *

Naturally, Leliana got her way in the end.

"It won't be so bad," said Cullen. "How about you and I team up? I can't claim to have much experience with ranged weaponry, but I'm good at following orders."

"You'd let me be in command?" said Cassandra. "That's very generous of you. Very well, perhaps we- Varric! Why are you smiling at me like that? What sort of scheme are you cooking up with Leliana over there?"

"Nothing, nothing..." said Varric. But his smile got wider.

Vivienne, who had been discussing the application of magic to paint with Dorian, stopped and stared with narrowed eyes at the sight of two of the strongest archers in the Inquisition forming some sort of alliance. "I have decided not to play," she said, suddenly. "This is a childish game, and I have better things to do."

"Aww, come on," said Bull. "It'll be fun!"

"No, much as I hate to say it," she said, with a sigh, "Solas was right: warfare between allies such as ourselves, even done in jest, will only encourage disharmony. With no insult intended to the Inquisitor's judgement, I must decline."

"I am glad to hear someone else listen to reason," said Solas. "Would you like to join Cole and I under this tree? We are having a fascinating conversation about the history of elven pottery."

"No, thank you," said Vivienne, and conjured herself a drink.

* * *

The first to fall was Cullen, when the game had barely begun. Josephine had been struggling with the mechanism on her bow, and was very apologetic when it went off in his face as he tried to help her fix it.

The most _surprised_ to be shot at was Solas, though he managed to capture the paint pellet in a magical shield a mere moment before it had a chance to hit him.

"As you are well aware," he said, glaring at the distant tree he'd been shot from, "I never agreed to participate in this farce."

"Yeah, well, war is hell!" shouted back Sera, gleefully. "Come on, Beardy, let's see if we can get Vivienne before she realises she's in any danger!"

"No shooting non-combatants," said Blackwall, darkly. "It's not honourable."

Sera let out a raspberry.

"And also doesn't help us win."

"If I cared about _winning_ I'd be teaming up with Varric or whatever," said Sera. "You're plenty strong in battle, but a sword's not much good for shooting things, is it? I teamed up with you because I thought it would be _fun_."

"If you want fun, what about we sneak up on Dorian and Bull?" he replied, indicating with a tilt of his head. "They're so busy shouting insults at each other I bet they wouldn't notice us until it was too late."

Sera looked over in the direction he'd indicated. The nearby trees were covered in a thick layer of paint, the mage and warrior having attempted to make up for their poor aim with enthusiasm and vitriol.

"Dibs on Dorian!" she grinned. "Messing up that shiny outfit of his will be fun."

* * *

Cassandra hunkered down behind a large rock and tried to figure out a strategy. She was no archer, but she was strong, and fast, and had a good instinct for battle. Yes, she'd lost her only ally, but she had survived worse than this. She just had to-

"You know I can see you down there," drawled a deep, irritating voice.

"Then go ahead and shoot me, Varric," replied Cassandra, who was quite sure he couldn't. He must have noticed the sound of her crawling through the bushes. She looked up towards the voice...and there, in a tree, she could see the edge of a boot. If she kept low and moved slowly, she should be able to get a better angle without making herself an easy target.

"I couldn't do that to an innocent woman," said Varric, voice heavy with sarcasm. "Practically an unarmed one at that, you're totally holding that bow the wrong way."

"I am not," muttered Cassandra, irritated despite herself, as she slowly made her way towards the tree. She'd practiced her aim a few times and she was _definitely_ holding it the right way. Almost certainly.

"Ooh, you're getting closer," said Varric, the sarcasm so thick it was excruciating. "I'm terrified."

"So you should be!" shouted Cassandra, as she took a peek to be sure of her aim and then jumped up from the cover of the long grass and shot, not towards his boot, which hung empty from a branch, but towards the sound of his voice. There was the sound of liquid splatting against something hard.

She sighed and watched the paint drip down from the thick branch he'd taken cover behind. Naturally, it had been too much to hope she'd get him that easily. She ducked back down quickly, before he could shoot back.

And then she realised that she could feel a cool sensation against her side. She looked down and saw a large splotch of magenta. 

"What?" The angle was all wrong, how could he have...

"You always were bad at guarding your flank," said a soft, high, and equally infuriating voice. 

"Leliana," hissed Cassandra, standing up and searching her pockets for a handkerchief. There was no point hiding now. "You two were working against me? Show yourself!"

"No hard feelings, Seeker," said Varric, from behind his branch. "Take it as a sign of respect."

Leliana giggled from the shadows. "Ah, Cassandra, your expression is priceless."

"Ok, this I have to see," said Varric. He ducked around and smiled down at Cassandra, clearly revelling in the depth of her glare. "I'd bow to a worthy opponent," he began, "But as you can see-"

He was interrupted by a ball of paint hitting him in the chest.

Cassandra stared at him for a moment in shock, and then let out a loud bark of laughter. "How does it feel, Varric?" she asked. 

"Sticky," he muttered. Cassandra, whose handkerchief was now stuck to her armour, was indeed glad she didn't have any paint on her own skin.

"No hard feelings, Varric," said Leliana, her voice tinkling with laughter as she vanished into the trees.

"Yeah, yeah," he said, "I guess I asked for that." And then he made his way down the tree, leaving a trail of paint as he went. Once he got to the ground he gave Cassandra a little bow. "To a worthy opponent." 

She laughed despite herself. "I'm not sure _you_ were a very worthy opponent," she said. "But it was almost worth it to see you get fooled even worse than me."

He smiled. "I live to serve." Then he looked down at his colourfully decorated chest with a deep sigh. "I don't suppose you have any more of those handkerchiefs."

"Here," she said, after reaching again into her pockets. "But I shall expect this to be cleaned and returned promptly." 

"Naturally. So, Seeker," said Varric, as he wiped at his chest and grimaced at how little effect he was having on the mess. "Want to see if Vivienne can make us both some of whatever it was she was drinking?"

* * *

The recently christened Team Beardass was on a roll. Not only had they managed to sneak up on Dorian and Bull, they'd even managed to escape afterwards, though Dorian had sent a ball of fire sailing right past Sera's head in retaliation.

Well, ball of something. Just light maybe, to scare her, he _probably_ wouldn't try to actually set her on fire. You never knew though, with mages. Point was, they'd gotten away. 

Flush with success, they'd decided to try and go for the big game: Leliana. Sure, she'd probably bring them down, but what a laugh if they actually managed to get her, right? 

At least, that had been the plan _before_ they followed her into these bushes. But instead of Leliana, they'd found themselves faced with much easier prey: Little Lady Josephine, resting against a tree like the pretty little princess she was.

Actually...was she prettier than normal? Not that she was usually ugly or anything, but there was something...ah, she had her hair down! It flowed in dark waves over her shoulders instead of being all bound up in a boring bun. She'd loosened her collar a little too. All this exercise must have gotten too much for her. Anyway, pretty or not, she still wasn't Sera's type: too uptight to have fun with, and too nice to be much fun to tease. Not to mention being a noble, ugh.

"Look, it's your girlfriend," said Sera.

"It's not like that," said Blackwall.

"Good, then you won't mind if I shoot her, yeah?"

"I-" Blackwall's voice wavered like some awkward teenage boy. It was kind of embarrassing.

"Come on," said Sera, "I know you're into all that chivalry shit, but this is a _game_. It's like...insulting not to take her seriously as an opponent, or whatever."

"Oh no," said Josephine, letting out a soft gasp. "I got mud on my new shirt." She brushed at an invisible spot. 

This was too perfect. "Ha," muttered Sera, "Just wait until you see what it looks like when I-"

"Stop!" cried Blackwall. And then before Sera could react, he dashed out in front of Josephine. 

"What the hell?" said Sera.

"I just...I couldn't bear..."

"She's not _that_ pretty! What happened to Team Beardass?"

"Sorry," said Blackwall. 

"Ugh, fine, come on then," said Sera. "Let's get back to chasing Leliana." 

There was a soft splat.

"Ah, sorry," said Josephine, her voice muffled by the big dumb ox standing in front of her. "But I got excited and...shot him."

"Entirely understandable, Lady Montilyet," said Blackwall, turning to face her with a bow. "Congratulations on defeating me in combat." He sounded pretty pleased about it, the old perv. Josephine looked pretty pleased with herself as well. Blech.

Anyway, the important thing was that him bowing gave Sera the opening she needed. "Vengeance for Team Beardass!" she shouted, raising her bow...only for the paint to fly off harmlessly into the air as she was knocked down to the ground.

"Hey!" she said, kicking and flailing her arms as best she could, "Gerroff! This is cheating!"

"And would you have surrendered politely if I had simply shot you with paint?" said Leliana in a calm tone, as she held Sera down with an iron grip. She was surprisingly built for an old lady who read letters all day.

"Maybe!" said Sera. 

"Are you alright, Sera?" said Blackwall, peering through the leaves. He looked at the two of them. "Uh..."

"Turns out you're not the only one Lady Josie's got doing her dirty work," said Sera. "Unlike those of us who _fight our own battles_." She shouted pointedly towards the clearing.

"I envy your courage and tenacity," said Josephine, as she came to join the rest of them. And then she shot Sera on the foot. "You can let her go now," she said to Leliana. "I'm sure that position isn't comfortable for either of you." 

"Not until you take her bow," said Leliana. "Or she'll just shoot you the moment she's free."

"Surely not!" said Josephine.

"Try me," said Sera. 

Josephine sighed, and put her bow down on the ground before reaching to pull the bow from Sera's hand. They had a brief tug-of-war: while Sera was stronger, she was only using the strength of one hand to Josephine's two. 

"Just going to stand there?" said Sera to Blackwall, as she felt her fingers giving way.

"She did defeat you," said Blackwall. 

_Not with skill_ , thought Sera. But as a prankster herself, she had to admit when she was outsmarted. "Ugh, fine." She let go of the bow.

Josephine smiled. "Thank you."

Sera stuck out her tongue. All this fake politeness made her want to shoot a bunch of bad guys in the face.

So she settled for the next best thing. The moment Leliana let her go Sera reached down for a handful of mud and threw it as hard as she could at Josephine's pretty yellow shirt. 

Josephine looked down at the dripping brown splotch on her shirt, and her smile thinned. "This doesn't count for the game, you know."

"Duh," said Sera. "But it still _feels_ like losing, right? That's good enough for me."

* * *

There was now a significant group of people crowding around Vivienne in the shady spot she'd found for herself, drinking the cold drinks she'd conjured and comparing notes on how they'd been shot. Vivienne pretended to find it tiresome, but obviously enjoyed getting to play the appreciated hostess. Even Leliana and Josephine came to join her little salon, though they stood out from the others by virtue of the pristine nature of their clothes.

"Has anyone seen Dorian or the Iron Bull?" said Josephine. "I heard them shouting earlier, but haven't seen them in a while..."

"It's too late, me and Blackwall shot them," said Sera. "So you can't get 'em."

"Oh," said Josephine. "Congratulations!"

"So that's everyone, then," said Leliana. "Well, except Josie and myself."

"Yes, you have been very efficient, you two," said Vivienne. "And now I suppose it's down to a fight to the death?" She smiled cheerfully. 

"That won't be necessary," said Josephine, and shot herself in the foot.

Or at least, she tried to. Instead of breaking, the ball simply bounced off her shoe and rolled away a little distance into the dirt. She shot a few more times with the same result. "Leliana!" cried Josephine. "This was unnecessary! And I'm sure it's against the rules." 

"How do you know it was me?" said Leliana. And then she smiled and shot her own foot, the pellet exploding in a cloud of magenta. 

"Can we all agree that shooting yourself doesn't count?" said Josephine, without the slightest sign of shame. "Leliana is clearly the true winner."

"I outsmarted you fair and square, Josie," said Leliana. "Accept your victory with good grace."

"Are you really fighting over who gets to _lose_ ," said Cullen. "This is ridiculous."

"I told you all this awful game would encourage disharmony," said Solas.

"There'd be no need for disharmony if she would just listen to reason!"

"You know, if you're going to get all picky about rules, Leliana totally punched me. Is that legal? I don't think it should be-"

"Enough!" Solas's voice reverberated through the air like a thunderclap. Everyone felt the hairs on the arms begin to stand on end, and the air smelled of something sharp and eldritch. There was a series of soft pops.

Paint of all colours slowly spiralled into the air, drawn from the pellets in each bow and rising slowly to form a vibrant, gently spinning tornado hanging over everyone's heads.

And then the paint fell down in a sudden, sticky rain, covering the glory of the Inquisition in a brightly coloured splotchy mess from head to toe.

"There," said Solas, his green and purple face wearing an expression of beatific self satisfaction. "Now we are all equal." 

"AHHHHHH!" Sera shouted and made a brightly coloured and very rude hand gesture in Solas's direction. "You are the WORST! I wish I'd properly shot you the first time!!" 

"I thought you weren't playing, Solas," said Leliana, wiping paint off her face with a thin, murderous smile. 

"I don't believe I ever actually said that," he replied. "I just said it was a bad idea. Do you disagree?"

"Well I _did_ say I wasn't playing," said Vivienne, as she summoned a ball of water and started methodically washing herself off. "Do you have any idea how much this robe cost?"

"If I had spared you, would you not have declared yourself the victor? That would hardly have served my goal."

"Your goal to bring us together in mutual annoyance?" she replied. "Very well done if so. I can almost _feel_ the morale rising."

"Come on," said Varric, "Let's all get cleaned up and go home." 

Cole ran up to him, his feet squelching in the now colourful mud. "Look, Varric," he said. "I'm a rainbow!" 

"Yeah, kid," said Varric. "I see. We're all rainbows."

"You were right," laughed Cole, waving his hand in the air and watching the colours move. "This game _is_ fun."

* * *

Dorian brushed off some loose leaves and attempted to straighten his shirt.

"Where did everyone else go? Should I take it that I won?" 

"I think they left without us," said Bull. "And don't you remember? Sera shot you."

"Oh yes, so she did," said Dorian. "I forgot after, you, uh...you distracted me."

"Is that what they're calling it these days?" leered Bull.

"Yes, well, remind me never to let myself get distracted again in the outdoors, I have mud and paint in any number of uncomfortable places."

"Want me to help you clean them out?"

"You're the reason I-" Bull raised his hand and gently wiped a spot of paint off the bare skin of Dorian's shoulder, and then gave Dorian a significant look. "...well, if you're volunteering," said Dorian, "I suppose it would be rude to say no..."

* * *

"...Magister Tilani sends her thanks, as well as some artefacts stripped from the attackers." Cullen coughed. "And a scented handkerchief. Don't ask."

"Ha, I won't," said the Inquisitor. "But it sounds like you all did a fine job without me."

"It seems your mission in Antiva was a success as well," said Josephine. "Although I still do not like that you insisted on going alone. What if you had been injured, or killed?"

The Inquisitor shook off her concerns with an airy wave. "Some things are better done alone. Anyway, you've reminded me: how did things go with the paint-ball bows? Did you try them out? Was it fun?"

"Uh..." said Cullen. "Yes...and no..."

"They were unfortunately all damaged in an unfortunate accident," said Leliana.

"Aw," said the Inquisitor, "So you didn't have a competition? I even brought some back some Antivan brandy as a reward for the winner."

"How about we share it with everyone," said Josephine. "Then...we would all be equals." Her eyes flicked to Leliana, who gave her a wry smile.

"An excellent idea!" said the Inquisitor. "Hooray for teamwork!"


End file.
